Dear Loser;

Today I received a thick envelope in the mail from one of the local schools. I have applied to several different English positions at this school, so as I was walking back inside the house, I was (wishfully) thinking, "Oh! They're offering me a job! One of their new teachers has not panned out, and they must have realized what a valuable asset I would be to their school, so they're going to offer the position to me straight away!" Then I opened the envelope and found this:

Dear Ms. Substitute;

     It has recently come to our attention that you have applied for several teaching positions in our school district. We regret to inform you that, although you have plenty of experience as a substitute teacher,  (10+ years, thankyouverymuch), we will never be able to hire you unless you have had your own classroom first. We do not consider substitute teaching to be adequate experience for a position in our school. 
     We require our potential teaching candidates to have already had their own classroom, to have past experience advising extra-curricular activities, and to have a tenured position. (What you have read in the paper about the steps we are trying to make to keep our budget low is false. We would rather hire a tenured teacher who we will have to pay more than someone who is starting off at the bottom of the pay scale. Please don't tell our taxpayers).
     Furthermore, we have noticed that you have applied to not one, but four teaching positions in our school, only to be rejected for them all. If you have not gotten the picture after receiving four rejection letters, then you are even less qualified than we thought and we will never hire you. So please stop applying to our school district. We will never hire you, even if you do live just one block away. 

Sincerely,

Mr. Superintendent




Okay, so I didn't really get that letter in the mail either, (but wouldn't it be more entertaining if I had?). What I did receive was my substitute welcome letter and information packet. This is actually pretty nice because they included the times that we are supposed to be there, and a copy of the teachers' schedules.

Now, if only the school where I sub the most were to do something like this, then maybe I wouldn't have made a fool of myself last year when I showed up to work at 7:30, not realizing that their schedule had changed and classes now started at 7:25 instead of 7:45!